Just another story
As I sat in an empty dark depressing bar alone, I ordered another drink..
*Bartender- Sorry nothing is left, you finished all the whisky*
*Me- THEN GET ME SOME RUM!*
as my shout echoed through the bar like a roar, shouting without lifting my head from being slumped over the table. I hid my face away in my own shadow, as I drank my sorrow in a gulp. The bartender slid the glass over to me. I grabbed it and gazed at it in a way like it now holds everything for me. I took a second to breathe the heaviness in the air before I knocked down that last glass.
*The day he died.. I'll never forget what happened. It made a scar so deep in my mind like I have been branded.*
*If only.. IF ONLY I WAS STRONGER!! Stronger enough to get over this*
Slamming the empty glass in my right hand on the table with a loud thud and shattering the glass into infinite pieces that made it a whole. Tears ran down my face, falling into the open cuts on my blood soaked hand. I stood up there kicking the seat back across the room, hitting it against the wall.
As I slowly turned to make my way out through the door.. *Bartender-HEY!! ARE U GOING TO..* but before he could finish his sentence I took a piece of glass from the shattered ones.. and even before he could look around to notice me, I was standing right behind him with my bloody hand holding the sharp edge to his throat but not just with any random intention, it was a murderous intent.. a resolve to kill.
As what it felt like an hour went by was in fact, just a few seconds.
The blood from my hand dripped onto his shoulder. I could apprehend his heart starting to beat faster as I looked over to the blood covered glass. The look of a burning rage in my eyes no sooner turned back to sorrow and pain. Relaxing my body, I lowered the glass piece and put it away.
*Sorry!* I said before turning around as the bartender falls to his knees, breaking down knowing he got to live another day. As I made my way out of the bar stepping over the broken chair, I glanced back knowing that I can never return to this place. The place I have spent so much time in drowning my pain in any type of liquor I could find.
Standing outside of the dark, broken down shady bar where I just spent the last 4 hours, drinking my sorrows and dwelling in memoirs of him, a firm touch of wind reminded me that I was never this weak before, never surrendered to my emotions and also I never cried.* while a tear rolled down my chin * I turned around to look into the gloomy bar and saw the blood trails leading from the place where I was sitting to where I was standing right then. I didn't feel anything.
As I made my way through the silent streets, I kept mumbling to myself, "why I said that to him.. I shouldn't have made plans.. why I went to meet.. why? Why.. ..?" Being unable to say his name whenever I think of him, it feels like a blade being shoved into my chest to rip out my still beating heart. Every time I close my eyes I re-live the moment when we were together.. when we laughed, had fun and we lived.
*I was useless. I couldn't save him. I couldn't save us. I can't even save myself* I saw his face as he died. The look in his eyes as if he was counting on me to save him, and then the disappointment on his face as he took his last breath realizing that I wasn't the man he thought I was and I stood there, mummified, imagining of never seeing him again.
I stumbled over my feet as I walked through the lane. At this time of night, the place feels empty like everyone has abandoned me. I soon found myself staggering down a dusky dusty alleyway, and suddenly I kneel down on the ground shouting in grief and in despair. Unable to pick myself up, I just lie there looking up at the empty night sky. Not even the stars want to show themselves around me. I reach my hand out to the moon, the only thing lighting my path as if I was trying to reach for help but nothing.. only blood dripped off my hand onto my face.. tears of blood.. I tried pulling myself up to sit against the wall. I sat there and cried again.
He wouldn't have had met that fateful accident. I shouldn't have forced him to come over. And I might need not to remember that ominous afternoon. If we wouldn't have met that day, who knows we would have been together today.
I felt sober from all the spirit that I took in bar and a gush of sleep took over me. While still being a bit conscious, I promised myself to become a better man, a stronger man, the man he always thought I was. I will live with his final moments every time I close my eyes as a reminder of who I was and who I need to become. I'll make him proud of me.
*With the chirp of birds, the sun slowly rose over the city..* I guessed it was time to get started. I slowly got up and made my way out of the lane, disappearing into the distance as if nothing ever happened.